im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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