I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
