I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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