Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
