Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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