just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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