This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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