Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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