I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
worst night to have a conscience
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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