alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
