Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
