with your own penis?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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