Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
