I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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