I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have tasted many bathrooms
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
