she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
