I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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