capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
