hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
