I wish you could order shots online.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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