Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So many bounce houses so little time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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