we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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