I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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