Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
