Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
