So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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