He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
