Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
