Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
