Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
