I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
