While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
