Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
