If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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