I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
