member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
