Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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