Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
