um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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