He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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