Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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