I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
