i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
