I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
