i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
