I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
