You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
how drunk are you?
Several
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
