you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
