plz talk dirty to me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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