i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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