I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
