Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
