I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
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