I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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