mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize