Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
