I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dicks are not precious.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
