nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm like, not good at living.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
