My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
