I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
