After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
