there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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