you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize