I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
