i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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